update and heart break

dont have time for a proper blog but ill give you a lil run down of what lifes been like here. Brandon and I are now married. Im adjusting to my role as an active duty army wife. Ive gotten involved in our FRG (family readiness group) as the secratary. We are preparing for a year deployment startin early 2012. Im so scared but holding faith that God will protect him and bring him back to me. Also a month ago we found out we were preg and having a miscaraige. This has been tearing me apart but my lovin husband has been amazing support though it all. we are preparing for block leave we will head to lil rock next weekend to spend some time with my fam and then to new york for some with his,

•Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

my dearest adrian,
  Darling you are my most fav net friend ever. Over the last year you have been there for me though so much. We had our ups and downs like any friends. There have been times Ive cried over you and ones where i wanted to get on a plane fly over there and just kick you in the face lol. Ive gotten to know you better then most of my friends here. I even know your mother and i love her to death to. You mean the world to me. I love you darl.

•Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Dear alex,
 you were the first for me with so many things. I am srry that you have not moved on fully but finely I have. If you always wanted me you should have thought about that before you broke up with me 6 years ago. I hope you find everything you are looking for in your life.

•Day 6 — A stranger

dear randoms,
I spent most of my life trying to make you all think everything was fine and dandy. I wanted it to look like I had the perfect life. Now I dont care. You can judge me all you want and i dont care you have the right to think what you want and i have the right to say oh well and ignore you. This is my life and im gonna live it for me and not any1 but me.

Day 5 — Your dreams

dear dreams, I love the things you show me most of the time. But l8ly you have been scaring the crap outta me can you please go back to the good ones thanks

•Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

So im gonna write to my baby boys.

   My darling loves,
I want you to know I love you more then anything. I only want whats best for you. I know that you will have doubts and worries over the years of your life but I nvr want it to be about mine or your fathers love for you. We love you very much, but we just could not get along. Our spliting had nothing to do with you boys what so ever. I never want you to think its cuz you did something wrong or becuz we did not love you. I know I am living so far away right now and i dont get to see you as often as we would like, but sometimes things like that happen in life. It makes it all the more special when we do get to see each other. Im so proud of how well you boys are growing up. You are all so smart It amazes me. truly you are the gr8est gifts i ever got.  I will nvr regret having you guys. Somedays you are all that keeps me going. I want you to know one day Ill be able to provide for you better and you will get the chance to come be with me. Always work hard, do the right thing, keep your head up, and have each others backs.

•Day 3 — Your parents

for this one im writing to my father and stepmother.

  dear mom and dad,
I'm sorry i have not lived up to your standards. I know i disappoint you day after day. But you need to understand that I am living my life not yours. I know you wanted so much more for and from me, but i am making myself happy. Every time Ive tried to do what would make you happy i have not only failed but made myself miserable. I am not my sister I nvr was as pretty or as smart as her. I wish you wouldn't compare me to her so much. It really hurts when you make comments about how proud you are of at lest one of your daughters. Dad a couple thanksgivings ago you went as far as to make a comment about how at least one of us gurls was goin some where in life and not a day goes by where i dont think of this statement and want to cry. I did so much to try and please you. You also did so much damage to me though the years that I still deal with. I remember as a child you would tell me things like "your fat no man will ever want you" "you are completely useless" "your just like your mother and if I saw her on the side of the street on fire i wouldnt take the time to piss on her" These things hurt me so much I believed them true for so many years and i still battle with believing them. dad i remember once you punished me by refusing to tell me you loved me for over a month. This hurt me in so many ways. Honestly I feel like you couldnt truly love me cuz if you did you would nvr want a day to go by were I was not reassured of your love.  Another thing that I nvr said to you guys was hearing you talk about who was goin to the hospital with me when i tried to kill myself when i was 14. Do you guys remember that day. You would think the fight would be becuz both parents cared so much they wanted to be there, but no niether of you wanted to go and i remember clearly as the ambulance door shut mom you said "its your kid you go" not only did you not claim me as your own but you refered to me as it. Like i was a dog needing to be taken to the vet. I still to this day honestly think that if i could have been admitted without eiter of you going then you both would have staid home. Also lets go to something more reacent. In dec I really wanted to come home for christmas and you wouldnt even let me make a cot on the floor so i could do that. So instead of being home for the holidays I spent them completely alone.  You have hurt me so much over the years that i dont see how i could ever recover