opening up

I know i can be a bit closed off and push ppl away so for this post i am opening my heart and life.

Aug 9th 1988 I was born in italy. My father was air force and i had anything but a normal family or life ahead of me. lets see when i was really young my parents would have my sis babysit and she would lock me in my room and leave. She got sent away y or where i dont know. skip forward a couple years when i was maybe 3 or 4 my parents split up. My mom had custady of my younger brother and i. some how tho i do not have the whole story dad ended up with us. What ever way it happened I would not see her for another 11 years. so in these 11 years here is just some of what happend i am not holdin anything back so think twice maybe even 3 times b4 u read on......................... are you ready here we go. My dad i love the man to death and i thank him for helpin me be a good person in so many ways but he was not the best father out there. I was verbaly abussed part of my childhood and though most of my teen years. I was very use to hearing things like "you are just like ur mom and sis" Shortly followed by"if i saw them on fire on the side of the road i would not take the time 2 stop and piss on them" I also remember being called "fat" "ugly" "worthless" and a "Pig" as im shur any of u can imagen This had very negitive affects on me. I had heard myself discribed this way so much 4 so long that i belived it to be true. I also remember bein told that i was so lazy and worthless no man would ever marry me. and maybe thats y i jumped on the chance 2 marry the 1st man who ask idk but we will get into that l8er. I had no self esteem and was always down on myself. it also seemed i could nvr do anything well enuf to please my parents and by parents i mean my dad and step mom who to this day is my mom and always will be i love that woman 2 death as well and thank God for her almost daily. I was always bein compared 2 my younger sis who is so smart she was even num1 in her grad class. AND tho this was not her fault i held it aginst her and that has caused our relationship to be anything but good. sprinkle in being locked on my room at night so i would not get up and have a midnight snack and a few random beatins that may or may not (most likely may due 2 the fact a boat orr was used) have been abuss and you have my childhood though 6th grade.

Now we will go into midschool and high school please once again think hard b4 reading on. In 7th grade i moved up to jr high and was exposed to things i had nvr even thought of. I started hanging out with this gurl viki and she got me tons of friends some thing i nvr had. Well all these ppl were big into drugs so as u can imagen i started useing. I poped tons of pills maily oxy and zanex i smoked tons of weed and used acid and shrooms on a weekly if not daily bases. On day we had all decided to skid school and go to a gurl who live just though the woods house to smoke. Well i really wanted 2 go 2 my 7th pir cookin class(must have been the munches) so this guy dustin said he would walk me back to make a long story short I was raped that day in those woods. Thisis the 1st time i have openly said these words. I was devastated despite all i had been though and done i was still a virgen and wanted to remain so till i was married or like i told myself at least 17 and with some1 i love and had really thought about it. I nvr told a sould intell i was 18 and i told russell. As u can imagen this did not help me any i just did even more drugs to help me not think about it. But i have to say one thing 4 myself unlike alot of gurls i did not let it turn me into a total slut, just a very strung out girl who cut. This life style lasted till it almost killed me and did kill a friend of mine at the end of 8th grade, I cleaned up. I droped the drugs and them ppl. But the next year i started high school and these ppl where not happy i was done with them. so they started spreading lies about me selling and useing at school. Well this got to the prinipal and they called me in. They asked me and i told them it was lies. They did not belive me. They searched my locker and found nasil spray and one dose of dayquil tablets, so they expelled me even to i passed a drug test. MY parents were awfull during this time I was not allowed to leave the house at all I would be locked in my room while they were gone and if i was not it ment i had a large list of chores. They would lock the phone up in there room and unhook the cable where i could not watch tv. When they were home i was 2 stay in my room except to use the bathroom then i had 2 knock on my door and ask if i could. This cuased me to become really depressed I tryed running away did not work cops picked me up and brought me back. So I tried to kill myself by over doseing on pain killers. But i freaked out and called 911 even tho i do not remember doing it of even how i got the phone. MEMS rushed me 2 childrens hospital where they made me drink charcole to get it all out. I remember being in the back of the ambulince as they were about 2 shut the door and hearing mom and dad argueing over then phone about who would "deal" with "it" the last thing i heard was mom say "its ur kid u deal with it" as they shut the door and left. after 24hours in the hospital i was sent to pinical point it was not much help i tried 2 cut my wrists while there idk y. lets see was pretty sad for another year moved 2 oak grove in 10th grade. One day dad and i got into a fight he pushed me though my closet door then called the cops and said i hit him so they took me to bridge way. came home acted like all was well then l8er that year i was sent to cic a long term place like bridgewayin memphis were i satyed 4 months. in the whole time i talked 2 my fam on the phone 3 times and saw them onece. i came home life still sucked i delt then jr year i get in contact with my real mom i move in with her, All seems gr8 i can do all i want. Not such a good plan. I start having sex 2days b4 i turn 17 with the 1st of the 4 guys ive evr been with. Well i endup dateing this guy ryan 2 make his friend mad. well during this time i have to stop goin to school cuz of a long story that goes like this. Here i was a sr bout 2 grad in may and they call me to the office to tell me no im a jr and after 12 years i have 2 do another becuz they messed up. well i drop out becuz i was mad. Jan 06 i find im preggers. I am 17 scared but very pro life so i do the only thing i can think of and marry the loser. It was not 3 days after we were married he hit me for the 1st time 4 months preggers and all. I did not know what to do i had no job no car no money no where 2 go so i stuck around and remained his punching bag while he slept with who ever he wanted. He went as far as 2 try and burn the house down with the baby and i asleep inside. This man was crazy he would not let me go to church the final straw that got me the broken nose was taking robby to church one night. IT was awfull i went to church for whati thought would be the last time the next week. Ill nvr forget adem preached about what was standing in ur sway when it came 2 ur relationship with god and with living the life u were ment to be. I remember being on my knees with my face on the ground crying huge tears sobing out loud as i prayed harder then i ever had that God would help me do what i needed to do to have the life he wanted robby and i to have. I remember just knowing i had to let ryan go and stop begging him to stay that it would be alright. I remember thinking no no i can not do that and hearing someone saying yes u can, I now truely belive that that night on that very floor at New Life Church the lines of comunication between God and myself were fully open. That he was speaking to me clear as day. after 20min on the floor prayin i tried to stand up i got half way on my feet and just fell back to the floor. I had nvr felt anything so amazing as i felt that exact moment and i long to feel it again, i want to be that close to God it was so over powering. That night when he slaped me and said that if i did not start acting like a woman should and do what he said he would leave me. I stood up straight and said "then get goin" I moved out, after a coulpe weeks i moved back in and he moved out.