MEDS?

So it seems that half the world is on me to get back on meds but I really dont want to. Any1 who knows me very well knows the trouble I have had with them and why i Hate them so very much.

want one

of these go here and enter

Bluhhh

So after a year aunt flow is back yea that may be a lil tmi but its really bein a pain in my head, gut,back pretty much everyehere but the butt lol. So I figure I will update since I can not sleep. Lets see Clinton is home on R&R till the 27th i ran into him last night they will be coming over sometime in the next week to eat. Um church sunday was awsome yet again. Then we took Robby to the air show he loved all the "airpains" lol. The whole time the blue angels were flying he had the biggest smile on his face. and yesterday I had eaither a tummybug or food poisoning. Iwas so sick my dear mother in law had to came take care of me and the boys lol. Also it was my sweet hubbys 28th b-day hes gettin old lol(dont tell him i said that). Then today I vegged out watching Robby movies and when he was napping the sex and the city movie. Then we all went to diner with my sis in law. then i came home crawled in a hot bath with bubbles candels my july cosmo I had not yet read and a nice glass of strawberry wine. It had been so long since i just chilled out that way it was nice. Well i have home group tom. and hannah and i have planed our weekly stay up l8 and watch stargate and talk night and thursday is my babys birthday dinner so I dont think ill have much time to talk till monday.

Fireproof

This was an amazing movie. I recommend all you married couples out there to take a lil time and go see it. There is also a book called Love Dare to go with it. In the morning we start day 1 of 40. I think it will be so gr8 for our marriage. It may take a couple mins for u to get past the some what cheesey acting but its so worth it. I promise u will love it and if you are like Russell and I you will cry and look at your marriage though new eyes. watch the trailer

My new fav song

I love this song so much every time it comes on I have to turn it way up and sing as loud as i can, Robby loves it to he calls it the "moved" or "Christ Rock" song lol

I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned Sovereignty
And had my share of doubt
And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They’re bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won’t let me go
And is the reason why

Chorus
I will stumble I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It’s grace I’m standing on

Chorus
I will stumble I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

And the chaos in my life
Has been a badge I’ve worn
Though I have been torn
I will not be moved

Chorus
I will stumble I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Is it not an amazing song. I wish i could have it on here so you could hear it (Jill do you know how to do that)

last night

Oh i had the best time last night. I went to home group, adn that is always fun. We had an amazing dinner. i could eat mrs lindas cookin everyday. Well then russell and i went next door to mark and hannas and watched a lil stargate(thanks Jill&Alex 4 letin em borrow it so i can enjoy it to) Well a lil after 9 The boys had fallen asleep and Russell went home and Mark to bed. Hanna and I stayed up till after one talkin. We talked about everything and I mean everything. Its like when its just she and I nothing is off limits, but y would it be lol I mean this is the gurl who was in the room takin pix when i had davis lol. It was nice to be able to just talk I really Love hanna and that whole Big ol family. We had a blast and I think she almost peed herself lol at how russ and i met. But by the time I got home I was in the best mood and it spilled over into today. She and I decided we needed to do that about once a week or so,and I really think its a gr8 plan cuz it did wounders 4 me.

Halfway there

So Clinton will be home on R&R tommrow. I'm really excited. That means this deployment is half way over. He is coming over one day for dinner and to see the kiddos. Im makin him Mex. Chicken Idk what I'll do for sides or dessart Any1 have and good recipes??? Anyway i'm just really excited about that. after he goes back he will only have 6 more months its amazing how fast the last 6 have passed.

heya

well ive decided to start workin on something i love again my poetry. Maybe Ill share some some time

hmmmm

Body: THE BASICS
1) Single or Taken: Taken
2) Sex: chicka
3) give me kisses on 8/9

4) Sign: leo
5) Siblings: older 1/2 sister 2 younger bros younger sis

6) Hair color: brownish

7) Eye color: blue
8) Shoe size : 8

9) Height: 5'5

FASHION STUFF
1) Where is your favorite place to shop? it does not matter you find cool things at many diff places
2) Any tattoos or piercing: no

3) Favorite outfit: my new black dress and my leggings.


THE EXTRA STUFF
1) Do you do drugs: not anymore

2) What are you most scared of: loseing the ones i love

3) What car do you wish to have?: 66 mustang convertable midnite blu with a white top
4) Where do you want to get married: where i did
5) How many messenger buddies do you have on right now: 13
6) If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be: oOo don't even get me started!


FAVOURITE.
1) Subject in school? JROTC

2) Animals? panther
3) Drink? mt.dew super nova

4) Person? Russell

5) Place? anywhere with the ppl i care about
HAVE YOU EVER
1) Given anyone a bath? do babys count

2) Smoked? yes
4) Fought the law? hehehe

3) Bungee jumped? no, not yet

5) Made yourself throw-up? yes so i could skip school
6) Gone skinny-dipping? nope

FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND
1) Red: fire truck
2) Cow: moo
3) Socks: toe
4) Greenland: cold

5) Love: Russell
6) Boys: Robby and davis
7) Girls: i want one
8) Life: could be better but also worse


HAVE YOU EVER
1) Been so drunk you blacked out: no.
2) Put a body part on fire for amusement? yeah.
3) Been in a car accident? yes
4) Been hurt emotionally? over and over
5) Kept a secret from everyone: yep.
6) Had an imaginary friend: yes..

7) Wanted to hook up with a friend: yeah

8) Had a crush on a teacher? does a sub count
9) Ever thought an animated character was hot? no
10) Had a New Kids on the Block tape? ok yea
MORE FAVOURITES
1) Shampoo: any
2) Hair Colour: blound

3) Day/Night: night
4) Summer/Winter: summer.

5) Fave Films: Way 2 many

6) Fave Ice Cream: cookie dough

RIGHT NOW, WHAT ARE YOU
1) Wearing: shorts and a t-shirt

2) Drinking: pepsi

3) Thinking about: how far ive come
4) Listening to: robby play

IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU
1) cried: no

2) ate: yes
3) slept: yep.
3) Cleaned your room: nope cuz it was already clean
4) Done laundry: nope that russ' job
5) Driven a car: yep.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN
1) Yourself: depends
2) Friends: depends on who it is
3) Santa Claus: no.
4) Destiny/Fate: yes
5) Angels: yes
6) Ghosts: you mean spirits? Then yes.
7) Aliens: no.

FRIENDS
1) best friend: Janet

2) hottest: uh.
3) loudest: Dom

4) funniest: april
5) best of the opposite sex:mike
6) crazyiest: hanna.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
1) premarital sex: dont do it
2) abortion: nver

3) drinking and driving: hate is so much
4) sex: uhhh

PET PEEVES
a few lol (8366457) lol
5 THINGS YOU CANT LIVE WITHOUT
1) phone
2) Food
3) Water
4) family
5) friends

If I were a name, I'd be:Julia grace
If I were a month, I'd be: August
If I were a day of the week, I'd be: Friday
If I were a time of day, I'd be: midnight
If I were a planet, I'd be: Mars
If I were a sea animal, I'd be: Dolphin
If I were a style of dance, I'd be: something crazy
If I were a direction, I'd be: Northwest
If I were a sin, I'd be: Lust
If I were an extinct animal, I'd be:Sabortooth Tiger
If I were a famous person, I'd be:Sandra Bullock
If I were a tree, I'd be: a willow
If I were a bird, I'd be: robin
If I were a tool, I'd be: hammer
If I were a flower/plant, I'd be: a white rose.
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: a thunderstorm.
If I were a mythical creature, I'd be: dragon
If I were a musical instrument, I'd be: guitar
If I were an animal, I'd be: Black Panther
If I were a color, I'd be:pink
If I were an emotion, I'd be: Love
If I were an alcoholic drink, I'd be: tequila
If I were a sound, I'd be: Q-tone
If I were an item of clothing, I'd be: knee high socks
If I were an element, I'd be: Fire
If I were a car, I'd be: 66 mustang convertable
If I were a movie, I'd be:funny
If I were a book, I'd be: interesting
If I were a career, I'd be: firefighter
If I were a food, I'd be: sushi
If I were a place, I'd be: My bedroom
If I were a material, I'd be: Lace
If I were a taste, I'd be: sweet but sour
If I were a scent, I'd be: Vanilla
If I were a holiday, I'd be: v-day
If I were a drug, I'd be: bad
If I were a store, I'd be: Belk
If I were a word, I'd be: nonegotistical (inside joke)
If I were an object, I'd be: pipe pole
If I were a body part, I'd be: fist
If I were a gem I'd be: onyx
If I were a facial expression, I'd be: a smile
If I were a subject in school, I'd be: Lunch
If I were a cartoon character, a carebear!
If I were a shape, I'd be: trapazoid
If I were a style of Music, I'd be: originally my own
If I were a number, I'd be: 277

I love my boys

Robby is having a blast so far today playin with all his new toys and watching toy story and having me read all his new books. He had a good party sat. He got way cool stuff. Russ and i got him one of them blow up punching bags,a basketball goal that goes from 4ft to 6ft. the my daddy John McCain book a book of prayers and a lil book with U.S. facts,a sound puzzel,and a happy birthday thomas train. His Gigi and pop got him a train table and alot of stuff to go on and with it. mom and dad got him a bunch of lil stuff and his gr8grandma got him a really cute tool set. other then that he got a truck that drives out then back 2 u that sing Cottoneye Joe tons of books, a few movies, a soccer ball, a coat, a couple outfits, a GI Joe and a couple other things. He was so excited. He was in shock to see all the nemo stuff every where lol he even has part of the decs. in his room lol

a list

its pretty easy * the ones u have done


Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Swam with wild dolphin
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Been inside the Great Pyramid
*Held a tarantula
*Taken a candle lit bath
*Said I love you and meant it
*Hugged a Tree
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightning storm at sea
*Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
*Gone to a huge sports game
Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
*Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Touched an iceberg
*Slept under the stars
*Changed a baby’s diaper
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
*Watched a meteor shower
Gotten drunk on champagne
*Given more than you can afford to charity
*Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
*Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
*Had a food fight
Bet on a winning horse
*Asked out a stranger
*Had a snowball fight
*Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Seen a total eclipse
*Ridden a roller coaster
*Hit a home run
*Danced like a fool, not caring who watched
*Adopted an accent for an entire day - well a different accent for every customer :)
*Actually felt happy about your life, even for a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states - Someday I will be able to put a * by this one.
*Taken care of someone who was too drunk
*Had amazing Friends
Danced with a Stranger in a foreign country(how bout from lol)
Watched wild whales
*Stolen a sign
Hitchhiked in Europe
*Taken a road-trip
*Gone rock climbing
Midnight walk on the beach
Gone sky diving
Visited Ireland
*Been heartbroken longer than you were in love
*In a restaurant sat at a stranger’s table and ate with them
Visited Japan
*Milked a cow
*Alphabetized your CDs
*Pretended to be a superhero
*Sung karaoke
*Lounged around in bed all day
Posed nude in front of strangers
Gone scuba diving
*Kissed in the rain
*Played in the mud
*Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
*Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
Toured ancient sites
*Taken a martial arts class
*Played a computer game for more than 6 hours straight
*Gotten married
Been in a movie
*Crashed a party
Gone without food for 5 days
*Made cookies from scratch
*Won first prize in a costume contest
Ridden a gondola in Venice
Gotten a tattoo
Rafted the Snake River
Been on television news program as an “expert”
*Got flowers for no reason
*Performed on a stage
*Been to Las Vegas
Recorded Music
Eaten shark
*Had a one-night stand
Gone to Thailand
*Bought a house
Been in a combat zone
Buried one/both of your parents
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
Performed in Rocky Horror
*Raised Children
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
*Picked up and moved to another city
Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge
*Sang loudly in the car and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
Had plastic surgery
*Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have
Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 lbs
*Held someone while they were having a flashback
Piloted an airplane
*Petted a stingray
*Broken someone’s heart
*Helped an animal give birth
Won money on a TV game show
*Broken a bone
Gone on an African safari
Had a body part below the neck pierced
*Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
*Eaten mushrooms gathered in the wild
*Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
*Slept for more than 30 hours over 48 consecutive hours
Visited more foreign countries than US States
Visited all 7 continents
*Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
Eaten kangaroo meat
*Eaten sushi
*Had your picture in the paper
*Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
Gone back to school
Parasailed
Petted a cockroach
Eaten fried green tomatoes
Read the Illiad
*Selected one important author who you missed school to read
*Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Skipped all of your school reunions
*Communicated with someone without sharing a common language
Been elected to public office
Written your own computer language
*Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
Had to put someone you love in hospice care
Build your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone that didn’t know it was yours
Had a booth in a street fair
*Dyed your hair
Been a DJ
Shaved your head
Caused a car accident
*Saved someone’s life

more and less

It seems i need some1 to talk 2 more and more these days but have less and less friends i wish i had just 1 girlfriend who i could call up go out with spill my guts maybe cry a lil and them listen maybe even give advice. I use 2 have so many of these ppl what happened

opening up

I know i can be a bit closed off and push ppl away so for this post i am opening my heart and life.

Aug 9th 1988 I was born in italy. My father was air force and i had anything but a normal family or life ahead of me. lets see when i was really young my parents would have my sis babysit and she would lock me in my room and leave. She got sent away y or where i dont know. skip forward a couple years when i was maybe 3 or 4 my parents split up. My mom had custady of my younger brother and i. some how tho i do not have the whole story dad ended up with us. What ever way it happened I would not see her for another 11 years. so in these 11 years here is just some of what happend i am not holdin anything back so think twice maybe even 3 times b4 u read on......................... are you ready here we go. My dad i love the man to death and i thank him for helpin me be a good person in so many ways but he was not the best father out there. I was verbaly abussed part of my childhood and though most of my teen years. I was very use to hearing things like "you are just like ur mom and sis" Shortly followed by"if i saw them on fire on the side of the road i would not take the time 2 stop and piss on them" I also remember being called "fat" "ugly" "worthless" and a "Pig" as im shur any of u can imagen This had very negitive affects on me. I had heard myself discribed this way so much 4 so long that i belived it to be true. I also remember bein told that i was so lazy and worthless no man would ever marry me. and maybe thats y i jumped on the chance 2 marry the 1st man who ask idk but we will get into that l8er. I had no self esteem and was always down on myself. it also seemed i could nvr do anything well enuf to please my parents and by parents i mean my dad and step mom who to this day is my mom and always will be i love that woman 2 death as well and thank God for her almost daily. I was always bein compared 2 my younger sis who is so smart she was even num1 in her grad class. AND tho this was not her fault i held it aginst her and that has caused our relationship to be anything but good. sprinkle in being locked on my room at night so i would not get up and have a midnight snack and a few random beatins that may or may not (most likely may due 2 the fact a boat orr was used) have been abuss and you have my childhood though 6th grade.

Now we will go into midschool and high school please once again think hard b4 reading on. In 7th grade i moved up to jr high and was exposed to things i had nvr even thought of. I started hanging out with this gurl viki and she got me tons of friends some thing i nvr had. Well all these ppl were big into drugs so as u can imagen i started useing. I poped tons of pills maily oxy and zanex i smoked tons of weed and used acid and shrooms on a weekly if not daily bases. On day we had all decided to skid school and go to a gurl who live just though the woods house to smoke. Well i really wanted 2 go 2 my 7th pir cookin class(must have been the munches) so this guy dustin said he would walk me back to make a long story short I was raped that day in those woods. Thisis the 1st time i have openly said these words. I was devastated despite all i had been though and done i was still a virgen and wanted to remain so till i was married or like i told myself at least 17 and with some1 i love and had really thought about it. I nvr told a sould intell i was 18 and i told russell. As u can imagen this did not help me any i just did even more drugs to help me not think about it. But i have to say one thing 4 myself unlike alot of gurls i did not let it turn me into a total slut, just a very strung out girl who cut. This life style lasted till it almost killed me and did kill a friend of mine at the end of 8th grade, I cleaned up. I droped the drugs and them ppl. But the next year i started high school and these ppl where not happy i was done with them. so they started spreading lies about me selling and useing at school. Well this got to the prinipal and they called me in. They asked me and i told them it was lies. They did not belive me. They searched my locker and found nasil spray and one dose of dayquil tablets, so they expelled me even to i passed a drug test. MY parents were awfull during this time I was not allowed to leave the house at all I would be locked in my room while they were gone and if i was not it ment i had a large list of chores. They would lock the phone up in there room and unhook the cable where i could not watch tv. When they were home i was 2 stay in my room except to use the bathroom then i had 2 knock on my door and ask if i could. This cuased me to become really depressed I tryed running away did not work cops picked me up and brought me back. So I tried to kill myself by over doseing on pain killers. But i freaked out and called 911 even tho i do not remember doing it of even how i got the phone. MEMS rushed me 2 childrens hospital where they made me drink charcole to get it all out. I remember being in the back of the ambulince as they were about 2 shut the door and hearing mom and dad argueing over then phone about who would "deal" with "it" the last thing i heard was mom say "its ur kid u deal with it" as they shut the door and left. after 24hours in the hospital i was sent to pinical point it was not much help i tried 2 cut my wrists while there idk y. lets see was pretty sad for another year moved 2 oak grove in 10th grade. One day dad and i got into a fight he pushed me though my closet door then called the cops and said i hit him so they took me to bridge way. came home acted like all was well then l8er that year i was sent to cic a long term place like bridgewayin memphis were i satyed 4 months. in the whole time i talked 2 my fam on the phone 3 times and saw them onece. i came home life still sucked i delt then jr year i get in contact with my real mom i move in with her, All seems gr8 i can do all i want. Not such a good plan. I start having sex 2days b4 i turn 17 with the 1st of the 4 guys ive evr been with. Well i endup dateing this guy ryan 2 make his friend mad. well during this time i have to stop goin to school cuz of a long story that goes like this. Here i was a sr bout 2 grad in may and they call me to the office to tell me no im a jr and after 12 years i have 2 do another becuz they messed up. well i drop out becuz i was mad. Jan 06 i find im preggers. I am 17 scared but very pro life so i do the only thing i can think of and marry the loser. It was not 3 days after we were married he hit me for the 1st time 4 months preggers and all. I did not know what to do i had no job no car no money no where 2 go so i stuck around and remained his punching bag while he slept with who ever he wanted. He went as far as 2 try and burn the house down with the baby and i asleep inside. This man was crazy he would not let me go to church the final straw that got me the broken nose was taking robby to church one night. IT was awfull i went to church for whati thought would be the last time the next week. Ill nvr forget adem preached about what was standing in ur sway when it came 2 ur relationship with god and with living the life u were ment to be. I remember being on my knees with my face on the ground crying huge tears sobing out loud as i prayed harder then i ever had that God would help me do what i needed to do to have the life he wanted robby and i to have. I remember just knowing i had to let ryan go and stop begging him to stay that it would be alright. I remember thinking no no i can not do that and hearing someone saying yes u can, I now truely belive that that night on that very floor at New Life Church the lines of comunication between God and myself were fully open. That he was speaking to me clear as day. after 20min on the floor prayin i tried to stand up i got half way on my feet and just fell back to the floor. I had nvr felt anything so amazing as i felt that exact moment and i long to feel it again, i want to be that close to God it was so over powering. That night when he slaped me and said that if i did not start acting like a woman should and do what he said he would leave me. I stood up straight and said "then get goin" I moved out, after a coulpe weeks i moved back in and he moved out.

Lucky

idk y but sitting here tonight reading though posts on cafemom i realize how lucky i really am. There are so many women out there who would love to have the life i have or one half as good. My new goal is to be more thankfull for it and complain less. I need ur help if i start to whine let me no.